»Sometimes a fool doesn't know he's a fool
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The past few days, I just have been pondering alot. Ahhhh.. now I know where I am getting that horrible throbbing between my eyebrows from!! Too much thinking & squinting. On a serious note, "WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS WHAT I CHOOSE TO LET YOU SEE" reflects me in a big way. Not many people know this but the happy-go-lucky, the girl who doesn't give a flying fuck to anything is a camouflage. To grow up in a "dysfunctional" (like I always put it) family has not only made me crazy but also stronger. I have learnt to accept that tomorrow is a brand new day after staying awake the whole night, crying. I have learnt to distract myself from something hurtful when my friends talked about their happy family. My family wasn't that bad after all, It's just that- Nah, nvm too dramatic to explain. Maybe the way I was brought up entitled me to a future like this, not that I am a "trailer trash hoe selling crack for some dough" but the ways I view life is different from the people around me. That could be a beautiful thing. That could be what leads one to a psychiatric ward. Talking about that, at times I do think I am schizophrenic. I love talking to myself. Maybe schizophrenic would be too strong a word to use. I love the fact that what I couldn't get or be, I found that in me. Confusing huh?? For i.e, I wanted to be a singer but I can't so I had 2 parts to play. One of an RJ and another of a singer. You know what comes after that!
Maybe I have not put the message across or I probably did not try hard enough. As much as I like to hear "Ann is someone who can take along for a good night out", I cringe whenever I hear or read that(testimonials). I never planned to be wild. I never planned to be the one who knew the tricks to a good eye make up. I want to be that friend whom a girl can call at 3 in the morning so she can rant about what her bf called her. I want to be that daughter that a mother can quietly say it in her heart how proud I have done her. I want to be that sister whose brother feels free to talk about anything. I want to be that girlfriend any boyfriend yearn for. I am waiting for the day when my parents, my family, my friends can see me as a good person!!
The next step to my life is I'm going to get rid of all the people in my life who have made it hard for me to breathe. I'm 1/4 towards my goal. This is why I am hoping and praying I would get the visa back to UK anytime soon. I don't need morons in my life. The people I grew up with are the best and I swear, I wouldn't want to exchange them for anything in the whole wide world. They are the ones who I know I can count on through the good and bad times. I thought when I came to Philippines, things would be different and boy, was I right!! I love Philippines but I just don't like her citizens. I hate hearing someone boasting about what he/she bought... I hate rumors.. I hate visiting lola's province because those people can be downright rude. They just don't know how to be nice. No one thought them manners ??
So please please!! I need some fresh air. x
words spilled @ 7:31 AM /
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